Meeting with Judy

Judy suggested that I consider how I can see myself in light of reality instead of not worthy, as I typically see myself.  

She suggested that I ask what I want.  

We talked about how I would like to move to Missouri.  And she said that sounds like a good plan.  Then I explained that Esther is just 6.  And so moving to Missouri wouldn't be something that happens for some time.  

She said that it seems like the main thing I desire is to get clarity on our relationship.  That living in the state of unknowing must be difficult.  And yes, it certainly is.  
She asked me if I want to be married to Susie.  I hesitated.  I'm still not sure how to answer that.  However, when I think about the experiences we have shared and what we could share together in the future I do have that desire to be with her.  

This summer I am going to sit at the edge of the Missouri River in Washington Missouri and relive those two moments that we had under that pavilion sitting on the picnic table.  When she said she didn't want to be with me.  And then a few weeks later when I told her that I did want to be with her.

She said to think about the ways that I am more of a worthy person that I see myself as.  
Well, about that.  It is hard to see myself as worthy.  I do see many faults.  And the sides of me that make me worthy not respected in other people's eyes all that much.  But maybe that is the challenge.  To not look at what makes me worthy in other people's eyes, but what makes me worthy from my own perspective, my own values.  

Tonight Anna asked Susie when she could put the VHS player in her room and she didn't give an answer.  She didn't bend.  It wild to me that she has such a double standard by letting Simon have the PS5 but not let her have the VHS player.  


June 7, 2024

Brene Brown says that before we can connect with other people we have to connect to and know ourselves.  She says, "Our connection with other people is only as solid and deep as our connection to ourselves."  "What we end up doing (instead) is, we end up desperately searching for connection with other people when we have no idea of who we are."  "We have a tendency to look externally when we feel lost and disconnected."  "WE OFTEN LOOK OUTSIDE OURSELVES TO FIND THE SHORE.  WE LOOK OUTSIDE OF OURSELVES TO FIND THE SAFE HARBOR, THE PORT.  BUT THAT SAFE HARBOR DOES NOT LIVE OUTSIDE OF US.  IT LIVES WITHIN US."



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