Beginning of the third week of summer break, 2024

 Decent amount going on here.  Last week I attended the APS math conference.  It was really good.  The community that was established was really great.  I got three books and several good ideas I would really like to implement.  Setting aside the time to do the work is going to be my challenge.  I want to get these projects around the house done and that is taking up most of my free time.  I'm also spending a lot of time working for Dr. Khan.  Maybe too much time.  

The meeting last Saturday with Rick and Vicki was kinda rough.  Susie said that nothing has really changed for her.  That she doesn't know what things will look like down the road but that she wants her kids to be in her life.  That she can't see what things are going to be like in the future because for now she's just trying to make it from day to day.  I said that it would be nice to sit down and talk about things going on with the family but she said that it would be a burden for her.  That she would dread doing it.  Vicki asked me what gets me down and I said that when I see Susie with Ben it is hard.  She asked what I do to get out of depression and I said that I pray, talk with the Wednesday morning group, talk to Mark.  She said that it's the thriving that I see Susie doing that makes me envy that, but I think really it's the connection she has with him but does not have with me.  

On another note, I watched a few minutes of a movie today that was quite erotic.  I searched it out.  I promised myself that I would tell Susie if I ever searched out porn.  But, because of where our relationship is not I do not need to do this.  However, I think I will talk to Mark about it because it is not a healthy thing to do because of the way it effects my brain and my bad history with porn.  So, I'm going to stay away from it for a bit now.  It was very arousing though and quite enjoyable, for sure.  

I visited Allen last night in the hospital.  Steve, Mike, and Ruth were there.  Ruth told me the story.  Allen went to work Thursday.  He got his COVID booster that day and even went to piano lessons that evening.  That would have been Thursday, June 13th, 2024.  Then on Friday he woke up sick.  I believe he was nauseous.  He went to the urgent care at San Mateo and I-25.  On Saturday he was feeling really bad and couldn't really move much.  On Sunday Ruth called the hospital and they said he would need to be transported to the hospital.  They came and hooked up the IV in the apartment.  He was not eating because he was very nauseous and became weak.  He was in the hospital that Monday through when I visited with was Sunday, June 16th.  He was still very weak and his speech was not very strong but he did engage in conversation about why the New Mexico test measures are so poor.  He went pee and had to have Ruth help him.  It was a very difficult process and it winded him a decent amount just to do that.  He is expected to be in the hospital for the rest of the week to gain back his strength. 

I watch Billy Elliot.  The scene where he describes what it feels like to dance.  He say makes me feel like I'm flying.  Like I lose myself.  Like electricity.  It made me tear up.  To see that emotion in another person, such pure pursuit.  It's something I long for.  Maybe it's the thing I long for most.  Maybe.  

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