Tough Days

It's been some tough days

Not a healthy person.  I started off my meetings with Rick with so much enthusiasm, with hope that my life would turn around, he helped for a while but I'm back where I started, we met for the last time for a while today, feels like he's just tired of me, tired of dealing with my pessimism a lack of Hope, the lack of movement in our marriage and he sees who I am, I'm really not much of a guy, just someone kind of drifting through, he finally saw it about me after spending some time with me, I guess my first impression was good but after a while the real me came through, he recommended a counselor to me so I will contact him and hopefully meet, I think I just want Rick down.  

I don't think I really care to be with Susie or not, I really don't think it bothers me to not be with her, I do miss the sex, but I don't know how this feeling of love for her that was a longing for the person that she is, which is a pretty harsh thing to say but kind of think that's how I feel about her, but I guess what really hurts is that I'm not someone that she cares for us, that I'm not good enough for her to love, how is certainly love her she loved me.  

I understand that Elijah broke up with his girlfriend today because they were unequally yoked, that's for him because that's what's easier I should have done recognize that we were not equally yoked and we should have called it off.  

So now here I am this 50 year old guy with no direction for the rest of my life, where is my home, what do I want, it's just years and years of waste.  

I was kind of happy there for a little while for a few weeks I felt like Susie was being nicer to me I don't know if I just got my hopes up or I don't know I'm just back to the pit where I've been for so long.  

Something happened on Sunday when Amanda it was nice to me, I just felt like a setup, like I don't want you to be nice to me because Susie and I are not good, so don't start acting like I'm fine because I'm still in misery over this thing, I don't know but it was something about the way she acted toward me or the way she talked to me that made me feel suspicious, like I should know something that I don't know, this feels good now to get out but this is not going anywhere, what am I going to do just lay around here until I start gets old enough for me to leave and go live in Missouri like I really want to, I don't know

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