The Ebbs and Flows of My Emotions

 This is a tough time.  Though I guess I should realize by now that it's always going to be tough and it's tough for everyone else too and the sooner I come to terms with that the sooner I will be able to think differently about the anger I have about not getting treated fairly.  The sooner I will learn to lean into Jesus and continuously look to him for gratitude and love that I can share with the world.  It seems like there was a time that I felt this, but that time is so hard to remember.  

Today during family devo Susie shared that what she appreciates about Elijah is that he shares his faith with others and does that in a respectful way.  Hearing her say that I think about how far off I am from understanding Susie.  

But then I see that little black shirt she was wearing today that reveals the skin on he belly and I get completely disregulated by it.  Like she trying to seduce other men and make them desire her sexually and that she desire their desire for her sex.  And then I start thinking about when she said that I'm not enough for her and that is when it really starts to hurt.  It's just so hard to be OK with that.  But then I think about the tight pants Vicky was wearing today and I wonder if Rick has the same thoughts about his wife, or maybe he is proud because she is still fit at her age and he knows that she loves and respects him.  

This morning I was questioning whether I can stay in this house much longer.  Deal with her disdain much longer.  Like when she would not look me in the eye when I was talking to her after church today about her afternoon plans.  But then out of the blue she asked me about the festival of trees and I have no idea why she was curious about that.  And I asked her about Esther's birthday party and she told me it was some friends from Jujitsu.  People I don't know and probably won't get to know. 

But this damn relationship isn't the only thing in my life.  But man it sure feels that way.  I need to put some energy in some other relationships or I'm going to go crazy.  I need to invest in some other relationships.  

It's funny.  I was thinking about staying at Marks house next Saturday, but now we have game night planned at our house with the Fletchers.  What a strange turn of events.  

Back to school tomorrow.  I need to continue to invest in my relationships with my co-workers.

I need to continue to invest in the relationships with the Wednesday morning men's group.

I need to invest in friendships with Pete and Zephan.  

I need to invest in friendships with Adam and Vivat.  

I need to invest in my friendship with Jesus.  

Or maybe I just need to throw in the towel and seek a sexually fulfilling relationship.  

I don't know what the answer is.  But no matter what, the journey will be difficult for me and it's difficult for everyone else.  

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