Thanksgiving, 2022

I had been planning our Christmas tree cutting down outing for a few days on the family text thread.  The plan was for Anna to drive with Elijah.  Then Anna and Elijah would ride together.  But at the last minute Elijah and Susie changed the plans and decided that we were all going to ride up in the van together.  When we were loading up Simon took the shot gun seat but Anna thought she was going to sit there.  It turned into a struggle and I said that these changes were thrust upon us at the last minute so we need a moment to figure it out.  That is about when Susie suggested that Anna and I drive the Scion separately to Jemez.  That made me feel like we were excluded from the family.  It really hurt.  

After we were riding in the car for a while we were asked by Elijah to play the song game and I spoke up about how Anna and I were feeling excluded and we didn't want to participate in the game.  When we stopped at the gas station I expressed my hurt over being excluded and Susie said that we would be going back to get the Flex.  I said we shouldn't and that Susie should ask Anna what she wants to do.  Once we got back in the car Susie asked Anna and Anna said she didn't want to go back home, that it is fine and we should just keep going.  

I'm realizing more and more that Susie has basically despised me for the last decade.  That is so overwhelming I don't even know what to begin to do with that.  I mean I didn't love her during our first several years of marriage but over the last several years I have began to respect and love her.  So the tables have turned and I can't stand to be despised by her.  It's getting to the point where I can hardly bear it.  I wonder if this will be our last holidays together as a family.  I just don't know if I can continue on with this depth of pain.  

The next three weeks will be here and gone  before I know it and then it will be Christmas break.  Oh, what a dreadful time that might be.  

Had our Thanksgiving meal on Saturday afternoon with Bethany, Melissa, Nick, Elijah's friend from NMSU, Jonathan, Alyssa, Josiah, Elianna, Tammy, Jonny, and Lucas.  

It was a nice time.  Good conversation around the table.  Susie hides her contempt when we are in a group setting like that.  Had a nice conversation with Melissa and Nick afterwards.  Then after everyone left Elijah and Susie were cleaning the kitchen and I was cleaning the living room.  Elijah started talking about marriage.  He made a comment about how he couldn't imagine living the suburban life.  (The suburban life exactly like I live.)  And Susie commented that it depends on the person you marry.  And it made me take offense because it seems to be a stab against me.  It seemed apparent that they weren't interested in including me in their conversation so I said, "I'll leave."  And Susie looked at me strangely and I said, "I need to go to Home Depot."  But she picked up on my passive aggresive comment, for at least a moment.  

So I left.  And oh man did it hurt to think about how I'm trying so hard to make this marriage work but it just isn't working.  It's been 10 years.  I think that's the thing that is really standing out.  It's 10 years of contempt for me.  

But I certainly haven't been a good husband.  I often felt disappointment and regret.  I longed for a way out, even during our first year I wanted out.  

That night laying in the bed when I wouldn't turn to Susie and she cried because I wouldn't show her affection.  What a sucky painful moment that was.  What a strong beautiful, though young, woman she was.  Out there in Missouri with few people and me.  And I wouldn't give her that moment when she needed the comfort of her husband.  What a jerk of a thing to do.  Why did I do it?  I don't know.  Maybe I just had too much stuffed desire and I didn't have an outlet for it.  

I certainly don't see a light at the end of this tunnel.  I see another tunnel that I'll probably have to go down.  What a damn mess that would be.  But this is so hard.  I have to get better or it's just going to keep getting harder during these times where I want to share the time with Susie but I'm not included in her world.  

Why can't I just grow up and be a man.  Why have I been so dang wimpy for so long.  What made me be such a wimp.  It feels like it goes way back.  What my little t trauma really that impactful or is there something that I'm doing wrong today.  

What do I want?   I don't want to have the pain and the disregulation that I felt today after a nice afternoon and then a few minutes of listening to a conversation between Elijah and Susie.  My inability to regulate through that conversation is a clear sign that I am far from arrived.  For a dozen years she has dismissed me.  Will it be 10 more or can I change.  Can I change?

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