My Ongoing Struggle with Contempt and Confidence

 On the basketball court this afternoon I actually felt pretty confident.  However, when Coach Warfield had to tell two players to stop messing around during my start of practice announcements and show me some respect it didn't feel very good because I wasn't requiring or demanding their respect.  Some were, but those two weren't.  But then when we got to the drills I was able to get their attention and get their respect.  

A similar thing happened in the classroom this morning during 1st period.  The students were off task when I started making the beginning of class announcements, but then after I stopped and made them listen I could sense my confidence and tell that they were listening to me.  

That was just after I had a tough exchange with Susie this morning.  She called me out when I trying to communicate with her about giving Esther a consequence for pushing the books off the coffee table.  It led to some open and honest exchanges and Susie trying to explain where her contempt for me comes from.  Which certainly sucks, but I'd rather have open dialogue about it and it suck, that no dialogue at all.  I think what is probably hardest is that she seeks so much a relationship with others, in particular Elijah, and shows me such disdain.  I hope it doesn't last forever, but maybe it will and I'll have to move on.  


Where does this disdain come from?  Well, I know that my primary examples had it.  In fact my dad has it to a great extent.  And my mom has it to a significant level but she has found ways to deflect it onto her activities and relationships.  My dad hasn't done so well with soothing the disdain that he has.  

This morning I tried an exercise of thinking about things I am grateful for.  I didn't feel very grateful, but I did think of things that I am truly grateful for.  It was a good exercise.  

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