Storywork Weekend, Thursday, September 9 through Sunday, September 12, 2021

 Scott and Katie led the weekend activities.  It was like nothing else I have experienced.  It felt a bit like summer camp and kind of like a youth specialties convention and a lot like a painful therapy session.  And it didn't go the way I hoped it would.  But at the same time it was better than I hoped it would.  

I feel so along at times.  Especially at night.  I'm hurting for Susie's attention, but I really think I have things that are grieving me that I don't know how to grieve.  Getting Susie's attention is not going to help me do the hard work that I need to do.  I came out of the weekend with high hopes, confident that the refreshed spirit I felt would be lasting.  But, it starting to fade away and it's pretty tough to handle.  I feel like tonight I'm coming down from the mountain and into the valley, and I'm afraid I don't know how deep the valley is going to be.  

I'll try to reflect on the weekend but it is painful and there was so much, yet so little.  

Thursday started with a dinner and a time of meditation.  We also shared our stories of happy places from our childhood.  The stories were lovely and the space people were given was so respectful and understanding that I just felt honored to be with such good people.  I didn't deserve to be in that group.  I didn't feel worthy.  These people have sincere and honest feelings.  I, on the other hand, am a selfish, self-absorbed bastard only wanting to please my flesh and rest.  Powerful and awe-inspiring, but humilitating too.  

I can't spend that much time on everything we did... but there were so many things from that time that deserve that much time and more.  I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to process all of it.  

I guess I'll just jump to the end and save the other parts for another time.

Sunday morning was good but tough.  I rode my bike to the house on a lovely Sunday monring.  I ate breakfast and then talked with Matt.  I told him how the night before Susie had said that she no longer has any desire to be in a romantic relationship with me.  (It there anything else that I could hear that would hurt this much?  I think hearing that I have cancer would be worse, but I'm not sure.)  So we talked and prayed and it was good.  I told Matt how thankful I am to have him and Brian to just be there.  It was healing to talk to him.  For the closing we had a 20 minute moment of silence.  It was one of the most peaceful times I remember having in a long, long time.  I think I'll try it again when Pete and I go camping.  

Afterward I met with Scott.  He ask what was up and as I was explaining he said that my energy felt like a hose turned on full blast with the sprayer just waiting to be squeezed and the water is spurting out of the sides.  And that's how I felt.  He told me some thing about being vulerable with susie, about being honest, and telling her it's not her responsibility.  It hasn't really done much yet expect maybe help me get a little sleep.  So, not the plan is to meet him in a few weeks hopefully, maybe by mid-October Susie can meet with the Scott and me.  

I'm hopeful but losing hope that our relationship will return to anything resembling what I once hoped it would be.  I'm trying to remember that Jesus is enough, but I barely believe it and I feel it only in small spurts. 

Help me trust and believe, Lord, that Jesus is enough.  

Sept. 17

Nearly a week has passed now and I'm able to reflect on the weekend without getting quite as emotional.  


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