Meeting with Scott for Therapy - September 22

 Tomorrow I meet with Scott for the first time since the retreat.  I'm going in feeling pretty defeated.  I am having a hard time seeing how there's any way that Susie and I are going to really be close again.  Afterall, it's been, a VERY long time I think since we've really felt close.  Hell, in some ways it feels like we've really never even gotten to know each other.  Maybe that's just the tall hill standing before me that I'm going to have to conquer talking, but nonetheless, there definitly a sense of defeat going into this.  

What I'm really looking forward to is a time when Susie and I can get together with Scott.  I feel like that is the message I want to get to him tomorrow.  I want us to meet together.  Hell, I think at this point I'd pay $135 just for a decent conversation with Susie.  She is engaging me at such a shallow level right now.  I don't see her having any interesting in spending quality time with me discussing our situation.  

Scott said to be honest, vulnerable, and personally responsible with Susie.  I don't really see how this is going to do anything.  It's like she doesn't even respond to anything I say.  But we'll see how it going tomorrow.  Maybe there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.  Maybe I'm going to have to think about what friend from high school or college I could hook up with.  I mean, I want to, as Scott says, 'stay in the pasture' where God it.  But it's hard to do when I see little hope in our situation, in my situation is what I should actually say.  

So, what is this hard work that I'll be asked to do.  

1. Pursue vulnerable relationships with people

2. Continue to draw close to God and the scripture on a regular basis

3. Continue to be vulnerable with Susie, even though the responses may not be positive

4. Understand and learn new things about living a healthy emotional and spiritual life

5. Explore my story in ways I haven't before

6. Be willing to make this financially significant investing in my future


September 23 - Notes from meeting with Scott

- ASK for the space to be a five on the Enneagram

- Kids for a five seems invasive

- 5 has a tendency to turn off the body and go into the head

- John Frame - theologian, Three perspectives on understanding reality:

Normative - informational, God the Father, MENTAL, Bible - the written word, the person will get a book to gather information

Situational - BODY, God the Son, situated in space, uses senses

Existential - EMOTIONAL, God the Spirit, Just feel it, Intuition

You need to experience reality through all three of these perspectives.  

- It's OK to want to be special.  

- When my intellect lets me down it can be difficult, humiliating

- Shame makes intellect cloudy/ shut down

- During conflict with Susie my intellect will let me down, this will feel like poverty, don't accept this feeling as the true reality

- I can express to Susie that "I'm desiring more from you"  and "This is not a demand"

- It will take time to develop new ruts in our communication and in the way I/we request needs and desires from each other

- Vulnerability translates as manipulation, She doesn't trust my vulnerability, I will feel/be afraid of being missed when I make myself vulnerable

- Want to see the desire???

- Scary to be vulnerable it certain areas

- I can ask, would you like my help?  

H.W.

- Centering prayer, 10 minutes every day

- Bring another story to next meeting

REFLECTION:  I went into this meeting on Tuesday evening feeling very discouraged and somewhat hopeless that Susie and I may not reconnect.  Now I feel very hopeful that it will work out.  It will certainly be different, but in time I think there is a good chance she may feel a connection to me again.  I think the most difficult days are behind me because I have a renewed outlook and, more importantly, a new understanding of myself and my needs.  The story I'm going to share with Scott deals with some shame that I have stuffed for some time, I think, so that may be a tough morning.  And writing that story might be tough too.  Lots of shame and disgust in that story.  During the meeting there were two parts where I got emotional.  The main part was when Scott said I have to take care of myself.  Do things like pick pine needles off a tree and hold them and smell them.  That got to me.  I started crying so hard.  Scott said what are the tears saying.  I told him about working at Lions Den and Mo Val and walking through the forest to work and floating in the swimming pool at MoVal looking up at the clouds and looking at the trees.  Those times were so peaceful.  I have not made myself enough of a priority to tend to my need for these sensory experiences.  I have not been brave enough to ask for permission to do these things, even though doing them make me a better person when I'm around my family.  So, this weekend I'm going camping and I'm going to smell the trees and get in the water if I can. Or at least get my feet and ankles wet in it.  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Birthdays aren't all that great these days either

 Man, what a depressed selfish boy I sound like.   I'm feeling all this self pity on my birthday.   I think what really set me off was Susie getting upset with me because Esther wasn't ready as early as she wanted.  It felt like intentional messing up my birthday.  That really frustrated me.   I have some important people to me in my life, and their birthday wishes meant a lot, but I still feel alone.  I still feel like I'm on my own.   Last year the Superbowl was on my birthday and it was one of my very best birthdays.  This year I had to teach on the day after my birthday and I was one of the worst I can remember.   This week especially sucks because Valentines Day is coming too.  That really sucks because it used to be such a special, fun time for me, and I thought it was for Susie too.  But maybe I was fooling myself all the while.  It's hard to believe that is that case, but I think it's true....
Read more

Jr. High Bullying

 In the 8th grade I was bullied by Cory.  I can't remember the kids last name.  I would stand there at my locker and he would shove my back and I would bump into my locker.   It seems like the first time he did it it was an act of endurement.  Like playing around with one of your buddies.  But after a few times it got old.  He would look back at me with his hair flip in his blonde hair, seemingly to make sure that I knew it was him that pushed me.  It went from enduring, to annoying, to bullying, to daily trauma.  I set up a punching bag in my basement.  I found some martial arts magazines and started to practice some moves.  I grew a fear of confronting him.   I tried to just hope away the problem but it wouldn't go away.  I grew more and more weary of him doing this to me and I tried to come up with a scheme to get him to stop doing it.  Often there was an administrator at the end of the hallway watching o...
Read more

Trip to Gerald - May 26 to June 3, 2021

Wed, May 26         heyooooooooooo Abq to Tucumcari 2:40, 186 mi to Amarillo 1:41, 113 mi to Sayre 1:57, 132 mi to OKC 1:54, 129 mi to McD 2:25, 167 mi to Spfd 2:05, 132 mi to Gerald 2:34 163 arrived! We left at 6:03 am, almost on time. Elijah wanted to make oatmeal before leaving. The driving was very smooth and easy. Elijah commented about the time going by quickly. And it did. Compared to the trip in Nov. 2020, the van made much better time. We averaged about 80, the scion averaged about 70! Elijah and I listened to Rachel Held Evans. He was diggin' it. It gave him a story to relate to. Though I don't think it strengthened his Christian faith. But, overall I think it was good thing for him to hear. We talked less than I would have liked, but we did talk some. I was able to speak to him about the value of putting yourself in a position to make money if there comes a time that you need or want to. That he should pursue writing, but that this is a good ti...
Read more